Ok, so sex… That will be what got most of us in to this mess!!! And yet it’s still a surprisingly controversial topic of conversation. We MIGHT talk about when the best time to do-the-deed is to conceive (when the smiley face flashes on the ovulation stick… no need to waste those swimmers any other time 😂🤷🏻‍♀️) we might even talk about sex DURING pregnancy, but we don’t really talk about it after the baby is born – other than the awkward conversation with the dr at your 6 week check up where you’re informed it’s now medically safe to do it, and do you need any info on contraception. So it’s back to business as usual. A private, behind closed doors business!

Except it’s not really business as usual is it? For what it’s worth, this is what I think about it…

1. In the words of Sweet Brown… Ain’t nobody got time for that!!! I mean, seriously!!! Babies take up A LOT of time. And when you’re not feeding them, burping them, playing with them or soothing them to sleep I can bet that you’re running round tidying up after them, maybe showering (if you’re lucky) or possibly feeding yourself (if you’re really lucky). Orrrrr you might be sleeping yourself. And I can tell you now there’s no way I’m giving up my much needed sleep or (not so much needed) food! And sex without showering is just gross!

2. If/When you DO decide to take the plunge (or allow your partner to, so to speak!) it will probably require a bit of planning. For a number of reasons really, if you’re anything like me you’ll want to make sure that you’ve planned in a some time for a good shower so you can shave, as that may have slipped off your self maintenance routine (I’ve got showering down to a fine no-longer-than-5-minutes art and shaving is NOT a part of that!) It’s not quite the military operation of trying to conceive sex, more like planning a surprise party – it’s not a natural turn of events, it requires planning, everyone knows it’s going to happen, including the “surprised” person, but everyone’s happy to go along with it and act their part

3. It’s a bit like a game of operation – touch the wrong bits and trust me you’ll know about it! Breastfeeding??? Remember when your nipples were just for fun? Yeah well now if you try and get them involved in this party they’re gonna make a mess. I mean milk baths might be your thing, in which case crack on!

4. It’s kinda like losing your virginity all over again. Having a baby has seriously knocked my (already pretty shit) body confidence! So using my body for anything other than caring for the tiny human that destroyed it was genuinely nerve wracking. Ridiculous really given that my hubby literally saw me cut open in the operating theatre… even a big mum tum overhang is an improvement on that, right?

5. It’s also kinda like the Sahara desert… it’s a mirage. You THINK there’s fluid on the horizon, but it’s just an illusion! 🤷🏻‍♀️ Seriously, it feels like everything’s functioning as normal right up to the point that you realise it’s not!!

And if all that’s not enough you also have to prepare yourself for the fact that at some point during the act your little one WILL make some kind of noise. It might be a cry, it might be a giggle, it might be a fart… I can’t tell you what noise it will be but I CAN tell you whatever it is, it WILL be off-putting!!

There are times when I feel a bit guilty that there’s been such a disruption to my husband in the bedroom department… but then I remember that men just have to have 10minutes of fun to make a baby. Us women have to spend 9months growing the baby, stretching our bodies to their limits in every sense. That we bear the marks and scars of it forever. And when I remember all that I don’t feel so guilty anymore. In fact I kinda wanna parade round naked as a method of punishment – like “LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO ME!!” But then I might need his help in making another one at some point, so best not 🤣🤣🤣

Yesterday was a good day! I was invincible!! I got up, fed Isla, put the washing on, went on the treadmill, fed myself, pegged the washing on the line, had a shower AND took Isla to her hospital appointment! Clearly, yesterday, I had superpowers!!!

Fast forward to today however…

It’s 17:00. I have JUST had my first bit of food. I’ve not showered. I’ve not brushed my teeth. The only reason I’m dressed (I use the term loosely… *read: have thrown a creased up dress on) is because about an hour ago I caved in and put Isla in the car seat and stuck her in the car to go for a drive to send her to sleep in the hope that when she woke up she’d be in a better mood.

This is what I’ve got!

That look says “I’ll play without crying mummy but don’t think I’m going to enjoy it!”

I have strong mummy guilt today!!! I keep asking myself why she seems so unhappy all of a sudden… is it something I’m doing? Is it something I’m not doing? Is she in pain? Is she sad? Is she going to grow out of it? How do I maintain enough patience to make it through an entire day of crying without sighing when she starts up again? How do I not murder my husband when he comes home and tells me he’s had a tough day at work 😂🤷🏻‍♀️ (joking… maybe!) … so many questions!

Thing is, even on the worst days she’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me but mannnnn it’s difficult at times!!! And yet… I know she’s just got to give me just one of her gummy little smiles and today will be a good day. Oh to be 3.5 months old and have so much power.

Pray for me 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼

 

Ah mannnnn… just when you think you’ve nearly cracked this parenting malarkey something new comes along to put you back in your place.

My little superstar has been sleeping through the night (and I’m talking a good 8-10 hours!) for a few weeks now, she’s smiling more and has almost mastered a giggle. We’ve had great news about her splints… life couldn’t be better right?!

Then… BAM. Screaming fits. Boy oh boy can she scream!!! Definitely got a good set on lungs on her. They started last week and were originally just for an hour every evening. Now we seem to be getting them through the day as well. I’m talking ear-piercing, gut wrenching, the neighbours will think I’m murdering her screaming fits.

I THINK she might be teething 😩 but I’ve also realised I have absolutely no nap routine in place for her (minus mummy points for that one!)

Only thing that soothes her screaming is sticking her in her car seat and driving round for a bit, then she just goes to sleep!

So today we are on trial structured naps. Currently sitting in a dark room next to Isla in her cot who seems to think it’s hilarious that she might nap when I want her to rather than in the middle of a feed. Or her favourite, after she’s screamed the place down and we give in to putting her in the car.

I’m just reminding myself that I am the grown up here. She will not win. Yes those gummy little smiles are irresistible… ah man… must. not. pick. her. up.

And it looks like it’s working… her little eyelids are getting heavy 🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼

This might just preserve my sanity later!

Check out the death stare she gave me in the car 😂😂😂 like “bitch don’t even think about stopping this car until I’m asleep”

I hope to God she is teething. Because if not there’s no other explanation than she’s just being a little shit. And that judgement is fair by the way… I took her to the drs because I was so worried she was in pain because the screaming fits were so bad… went a bit like this:

Dr: “Are you ok? Your mummy said you’ve been poorly”

Isla: *big giggle*

Dr: Did you trick your mummy?

Isla: *BIG smile*

Dr: I’ve checked her over, nothing at all wrong with her, in fact she seems really happy

Mummy: 🙄

The joys…

Finding time to exercise has always been a challenge for me. Mainly because I hate it! I went through a stage early last year where I did a really good job of making an effort with it, but that was because I blew a chunk of my redundancy pay on a gym membership and I had nothing else to do! I’d go for long leisurely swims and then just chill out round the pool applying for jobs on my phone! I even went on the treadmill occasionally!

Anyway, all that stopped when I sprouted a humongous bump very early on (might just have been that I lost the ability to breathe in to be fair, who knows 😂).

Finding time to exercise with a baby is a whole other level. Weirdly I didn’t struggle as much to find the time to watch Love Island for an hour every night (guilty pleasure… don’t judge me) I don’t struggle so much to find time to go out for a meal (don’t get me wrong it’s a challenge, but I manage!!) or to have a few glasses of wine on a Sunday with my mum. Exercise with a baby though… well that’s a challenge because I DON’T WANT TO DO IT!!!

I’ve cocooned myself in the comfort of “it takes 9months to go on, you can expect it to take at least that amount of time to come back off” I did start trying to do bits a few weeks ago and then let it fade out again as life got in the way. However, after a few recent prompts (how bad is it that being asked when my baby is due was a bigger kick up the bum than my dad having a heart attack 😳) I figured I really should make the time to do the horrible thing that will keep me alive and semi healthy!

So today I dragged the play gym in to the garage, stuck Isla on it and started over with couch to 5k… AGAIN!!! Did I die? Well, nearly… if the jogging doesn’t do it I’m pretty sure my boobs will… Jesus, jogging with milk boobs is an experience!!! Do I feel better for it afterwards?? Also no… I’m like a giant sweaty tomato. Isla doesn’t look too impressed with mummy’s new smell either! But I did it!!! So yay me! Now I just need to find some more time to shower…

I can’t believe it’s been a whole year already since I knew for sure that I was pregnant! We’d been trying since the January and I remember being so excited a few days earlier when I’d seen a hint of a second blue line on a test. I then took about a million first response tests to see a very, very light pink line… I still couldn’t quite believe it so thought I’d buy a digital test before I bankrupted us buying tests 😂

I saw the blue line on the Monday and waited until the Thursday night to tell my hubby. I bought a little baby grow and wrapped the digital test up in it. I presented it as an early Anniversary present (2 years – cotton, so that was lucky!) and watched the disbelief and then pure joy spread across hubby’s face! We both sat there with big goofy grins and happy tears saying “fuck, how do you even look after a baby”

Unfortunately, that time wasn’t meant to be. Literally a few hours after I’d told hubby I started getting cramps, and a few hours later I started bleeding. I went to the drs the next morning who confirmed that I had sadly had an early miscarriage. I was absolutely devastated. The Dr explained that it’s very common and I remember thinking why don’t people know that? I had no idea that the majority of people miscarry at least once! We need to talk about this more! I think it’s so cruel to not talk about it. I didn’t mourn my “baby” as such – I know that so early on there wouldn’t have even been a heartbeat, nothing that anyone would recognise as a baby as such – but I definitely mourned what could have been. All that excitement, everything that our future held, all suddenly completely devastated.

They say everything happens for a reason and I guess sometimes you just have to trust that your body has done what it needs to do for reasons that will never be clear to us. It’s easier for me to look back on this and believe that as we were lucky enough to catch again straight after with Isla! Second time round there were no happy tears (not until I saw her heartbeat on the monitor at 8 weeks anyway – then there were big ugly happy sobs!!!), and those first few weeks were filled with pure fear! We didn’t date even talk about it incase anything happened!! Thankfully, everything went well 2nd time round and we are now so very lucky to have our beautiful little rainbow Isla 🌈

 I can’t believe how fast the time is going! I officially no longer have a newborn anymore 😱 It’s such a bittersweet feeling! I’m so excited for everything that’s still to come, and I absolutely love seeing her little personality develop a little more everyday. She’s just starting to learn to use her voice, and I think we’re super close to giggles, and I have so much fun watching her wriggle about, and I can’t wait to introduce her to food. But…. I miss her being tiny!!! I miss her being able to snuggle in to my neck, I miss being able to carry her for longer than 15minutes without getting arm ache, I miss all her clothes being too big!

She’s been sleeping through for some time now (hero – goes 10-8!!!) and as much as the extra sleep is lovely, man oh man do I miss those middle of the night feeds!! I know that’s such a strange thing to miss, but when we were up in the night it felt like we were the only people in the world, such a special time to share ♥️ (nostalgia’s great isn’t it 😂 I’ve almost completely forgot that there were many nights I cried with her because she just wouldn’t bring her wind up and go back to sleep! And that I could barely function in the day through sheer exhaustion!!)

I just keep thinking it won’t be long until she’s in her own room. I’m going to miss her so much when that happens!!! I need time to slow down just a little bit so I can savour every second with her! 

Completely un-baby related but I have finally finished my CIPD and am now officially qualified in HR!!

I signed up for this when I was made redundant last year thinking it would be a great use of a chunk of my redundancy pay… I’ll be honest, I’ve resented that decision ever since! Nothing makes writing 5000 word assignments more depressing than knowing you’ve forked out £4,000 to put yourself through this hell!!!

I missed one of my assignments in August last year when I had a miscarriage, so had to take that module again in June this year and wait for the results. But they are finally in, and I passed… woohoo!! 

As proud as I am for completing it, I have told all my friends and family that if they EVER hear me contemplating taking the next level in the qualification they should punch me in the face immediately to knock some sense in to me 😂