25 weeks.

That’s how long it’s taken me to finally pluck up the courage to leave Isla for any significant amount of time.

I’ve only come to the hairdressers but honestly I may as well have gone to the moon!! I know I’m later than most doing this. I’ve told myself every week that “this is the week you need to do it” but I’ve just not been able to. I don’t know why 🤷🏻‍♀️

I guess I felt ready about a month ago to do this… unfortunately, right about the same time, Isla decided that she didn’t want to be apart from me (I do wonder if they know more than we realise at times!)

So literally the day after I’d asked my mum and dad to babysit, Isla decided she couldn’t even look at my dad without crying, couldn’t be held by anyone other than me or her daddy for longer than 2minutes, and couldn’t be put down (other than to go in her bouncer) for longer than 5minutes. It’s been a challenging few weeks to say the least!!

Isla has definitely discovered the power of tantrums now, and honestly, I’m finding it incredibly difficult to navigate through this stage. Whilst I absolutely don’t want her to think that having a tantrum will get her what she wants, I also can’t beat the thought of leaving her to scream and not comforting her. Luckily, she is clever enough to realise that being a little madam all the time could result in her being put in the wheely bin… so she adds in just enough moments of loveliness to keep me in complete adoration of her!

The great thing about motherhood is it’s full of surprises… the best one being that every time you think you’ve nearly cracked it, your little one will up their game to remind you that you most definitely have not!!

I’ve postponed this hair appointment every week for the last 4 weeks… originally my plan was to bring her with me, that plan lasted about a week when I realised there was NO WAY she would sit quietly for 3 hours, and not on my lap. So then the appointment was changed to just a cut… then the separation tantrums kicked in and so we postponed again… then we both got a nasty cold… and now here we are! Sitting in the hairdressers, baby free, feeling like my right arm has been chopped off! I suppose when you think about it it’s been 61 weeks that we’ve been together… 36weeks safe in my tummy, and 25weeks in the big wide world together, figuring each other out (I think she has me sussed better than I have her 😂😂😂)

Anyway, if you follow this blog I’m sorry I’ve been shit at updating it! I’m guessing if you do follow then you’re a mama too so hopefully you’ll understand!

Naturally I’ll be using my baby free few hours to blog about my baby of course 😂🤦🏻‍♀️

Now I just need to engage my baby brain to try and remember everything that’s happened over the last few weeks. Easier said than done!!!

Motherhood is waking up hangover free (but more exhausted than you ever were after a night partying) on a Sunday morning

Motherhood is putting little one on the bed next to you so you can have just 20 more minutes sleep… then spending that time staring at their gorgeous little face in wonderment

Motherhood is never going to the toilet or showering without a tiny spectator in tow

Motherhood is wondering how you were ever late for anything pre-baby (seriously, what did you do with all that free time???)

Motherhood is finally sitting down to eat your “breakfast” at 6pm, one handed, whilst jiggling  a little person up and down on your knee. Then politely smiling and nodding at your partner (and resisting the urge to stab him with your fork) who comes home and tells you he’s been so busy at work he didn’t manage to eat lunch til 3pm (presumably he had both hands free to eat it with)

Motherhood is muttering “for fucks sake” under your breath 752 times a day – the exact amount of times you have to re-think your plans due to naps/nappy accidents/feeds/screaming fits

Motherhood is telling yourself you really need to start finding time to exercise, then realising that somedays it can be 5pm and you’ve not even found time to brush your teeth yet

Motherhood is losing your identity, then slowly rebuilding it piece by piece

Motherhood is wishing there was a way to transfer pain so your little one never has to feel it

Motherhood is never sleeping deep enough to miss the tiniest wimpier in the night

Motherhood is being sick/weed/pooped on and not batting an eyelid

Motherhood is feeling like you’re failing as a friend by forever having a little person in tow, but not being ready to leave them just yet

Motherhood is wondering how you’re supposed to be a good wife, when being a mother takes up all of your time

Motherhood is knowing the signs and symptoms of every possible ailment your baby could possibly have… and the google history to prove it

Motherhood is rewinding the same episode of a series 17 times because you keep missing what’s happened, then putting it on to watch in bed and promptly passing out

Motherhood is wondering how you will get through another screaming fit when your nerves are already frayed, then kissing your little one’s tears away and telling them how much you love them and it will all be ok when it inevitably happens

Motherhood is sitting in silence 30mins after you’ve turned the engine off in the car so you don’t disturb your little one’s nap

Motherhood pairing leggings or tights with all your summer dresses so your baby can have a new winter wardrobe

Motherhood is looking longingly at those creamfields tickets/adults only hotels/holidays online then navigating back to mothercare.com to spend the money on a new car seat instead

Motherhood is desperately wanting someone to help with little one, then having to restrain yourself from taking over when they do

Motherhood is wondering if you will ever have the concentration or desire to be successful in your career again

Motherhood is alternating between being excited about all the things that are still to come and feeling sad that the time has already passed so quickly

Motherhood is the most heart achingly difficult thing I have ever done

Motherhood is the most beautiful and amazing thing I have ever done

We’ve had some great news from the hospital this week – our little monkey only has to wear her harness for bed now!! Yayyyy!!! That means that we *should* just have another 6 weeks with the straps before they’re gone forever!! 

I was worried about how she’d adapt to being out of them for so long – when we went to 4 hours out she had days where she struggled with it and we ended up having to put them back on earlier than planned (I guess they’ve become a comfort to her) – but she’s been absolutely fine! And – added bonus – there have been no major tantrums when they’ve gone back on either!

We go to Cornwall on Sunday and I can’t wait to take her swimming (in the pool, not the sea 🤣🤣🤣) If her face when I put her in her rubber ring in the bath is anything to go by (and the screaming fit when I took her out of it 🙄🤦🏻‍♀️) she’s going to love it!!

She has had her harness 10 weeks now, I can’t believe how fast it’s gone! Mind you, I can’t believe how fast time is going in general!! Isla is 20weeks old now 😳 and weighs 13lb 10oz!!! Where has my teeny baby gone????

If you’re reading this and you’ve had a baby (and are thinking BULLSHIT!!!) stay with me… I’ll explain! If you’re reading this and you haven’t (and you’re thinking FINALLY – a good news story about the postpartum experience) don’t get too excited… I’ll explain 🤣🤣🤣

We all know that the postpartum experience is an interesting one! Especially for first time mums, you go from looking after yourself to suddenly also being responsible for keeping another tiny, helpless human being alive, happy and healthy!

Chances are you made some HUGE lifestyle changes when you were pregnant, and thought you had a good idea of what was to come once little one arrived (hello sleepless nights!)

What I guarantee you weren’t betting on is that having a baby would basically turn you back in to a teenager… as I said, allow me to explain…

• You learn A LOT about yourself when you have a baby. Suddenly everything that seemed so important to you before pales into insignificance compared to your new bundle of joy. Your priorities completely change. The qualities you wanted in a life partner change – that hardworking man you married suddenly seems like a selfish bastard when he puts the hours in at work instead of coming home to you (🤣don’t worry – they’re easy to retrain! 😉) So although you thought you’d figured all this shit out, you’ll re-evaluate everything! You’ll realise that you’re not the friend you thought you was, now your friends circle is contracting down faster than you did in the final stages of labour you’ll realise that maybe you should have made more effort when your other friends had babies – which brings me on nicely to my next point …
• You have to make new friends!!! No matter how social you are, how confident, having a baby for the first time puts you right back at ‘new girl’ territory. It’s a sad fact that you see your friends less – they say if you want to figure out who your real friends are ask for help moving or have a baby 🤷🏻‍♀️I actually don’t think it’s that simple, it’s not your friends’ fault that you can’t do everything that you did pre-baby. Nevertheless, you might suddenly find yourself in a position of being Billy no mates, and to rectify that (which you need to do – adult conversation is pretty paramount to your sanity!) you’re gonna have to put yourself out there and make new (other mummy!) friends! Good news is most of the other mummies are in the same position as you do it’s not toooooo bad
• However, like your teenage self, you’re likely to be pretty insecure about your body! Oh, what I’d give to go back to my teenage self and tell her to appreciate that body – no matter how fat she thinks she is… she has noooooo idea how much fatter she will get 😂😂😂And it’s not just the appearance. After having a baby my body feels alien to me, 4.5months on I’m still trying to reconnect with it, and it’s a steep learning curve!
• Especially in the bedroom!!! The things I thought I liked feel different now. I would have never, ever in a million years have guessed that having a baby could make me feel like a virgin all over again!
• Hormones. Oh, so many hormones! Remember those teenage moods?? Well, they’re back. And they’re bigger and stronger than ever. Mix that with the lack of sleep and there’s a good chance that you are now one moody bitch 🤷🏻‍♀️
• There’s also a good chance that your skin has taken a beating – I didn’t have spots as a teenager, but I do now!!!
• Finally – greasy hair. Now, at first I thought this was just for new mums, you know, cos there’s just no time to wash your hair. But oh no, no, no!!! If you spot a mummy with an older baby and are wondering why she might have greasy hair I think I can explain. It’s not that she doesn’t have time – she’s probably figured enough of a routine out by now to manage a shower… she has greasy hair because she’s too fucking terrified to wash it because every time she does massive clumps of it fall out 😭😭😭(not to worry though – your body will grow additional hair to make up for it – just not in the places it should be!)

So yeah… having a baby basically makes you a teenager again. In every way except the perky teenage body. God dammit.

One year ago today… I had the faintest squinter of a line!!! I’d had a miscarriage the month before… so I was TERRIFIED!! Gone was the excitement I’d felt the month before and instead I was full of apprehension… We were due to go to a festival the day after and on holiday the following week – would everything be ok this time? Was I going to start bleeding on the flight? Would flying put me at risk? Soooo many things to worry about!!

When I approached my husband and told him I thought I might be pregnant again he looked at me like I’d gone insane (it really was a squinter 🤣) but also – he really didn’t want to talk about it! It had only been a few weeks before that we’d sat and cried happy, excited tears for a line on a different test strip – those tears turned to ones of despair a few hours later when I started bleeding.

Our holiday was definitely interesting – I packed tests to take with me and I secretly tested every night to check everything was still ok!

Thankfully, everything was ok and one year on our little munchkin is still here, healthy and happy. And I know I am so very blessed to have her in my life ♥️♥️♥️♥️

This morning I got up, procrastinated for far too long over whether I should do my exercises… eventually decided to do them… had a shower, was washing my hair (feeling pretty proud of my achievements so far 🤣) and then noticed that I appear to have morphed in to a giant moulting Labrador. Like, seriously, WTF!!!

Just incase the –

*Stretch marks

*Raging hormones

*Destroyed vagina/sliced open core

*Pittance that is maternity pay

*Postpartum body (which feels completely disconnected to you)

*Mom guilt about returning to work/not returning to work

– aren’t enough, someone obviously thought us women needed a bit more to deal with… cue the postpartum hairloss!

Isla is 19weeks old. I thought I’d got away with this shit!!

I’m telling you if this chunk of hair doesn’t weigh a stone I’m not going to be a happy bunny!!!!

Isla is not the only one who’s been a brave girl this week!!!

I think there are very few people who know me who would describe me as shy – I work in HR so talking to people is a big part of what I do, HOWEVER, I do really struggle with my confidence at times, and I’ll be honest, it’s at an all time low after having Isla.

I have a weird fixation on whether people will judge me by how I look, so when I’m not feeling great in my body I have a horrible habit of not really going out much. Logically, I know it’s ridiculous and I know that no one other than me really gives a shit about how flabby my tummy is, but I just can’t shake it off. (I was like this pre-Isla – I put my midwife appointment off for as long as I could in the hope that I’d lose a few pounds before having to step on the scales!! My postpartum body is just making it worse!)

Up until this week I hadn’t booked or taken Isla to a single baby class (she’s 18 weeks old this week!). In a moment of braveness I have booked up our September!! We’ll be going to baby massage on Tuesdays and Rhythm Time classes on Thursdays. Even braver still – I saw a post on our community Facebook group for the local mums to meet up and have lunch… and… I went!!! All the other mums already knew each other, in fact, they’d just all been to a baby class together, so it was extra nerve wracking being the new girl, but I didn’t die, Isla got to meet some other babies for the first time and – dare I say it – I had a lovely afternoon!

I didn’t catch anyone looking at me in disgust once 🤣 everyone was really lovely! And today we’ve had an invite for Isla to a first birthday party pushed through the door from one of the babies ♥️♥️♥️ Too cute!!!

I may just dodge becoming a hermit yet 🙌🏼