If you’re reading this and you’ve had a baby (and are thinking BULLSHIT!!!) stay with me… I’ll explain! If you’re reading this and you haven’t (and you’re thinking FINALLY – a good news story about the postpartum experience) don’t get too excited… I’ll explain 🤣🤣🤣
We all know that the postpartum experience is an interesting one! Especially for first time mums, you go from looking after yourself to suddenly also being responsible for keeping another tiny, helpless human being alive, happy and healthy!
Chances are you made some HUGE lifestyle changes when you were pregnant, and thought you had a good idea of what was to come once little one arrived (hello sleepless nights!)
What I guarantee you weren’t betting on is that having a baby would basically turn you back in to a teenager… as I said, allow me to explain…
- You learn A LOT about yourself when you have a baby. Suddenly everything that seemed so important to you before pales into insignificance compared to your new bundle of joy. Your priorities completely change. The qualities you wanted in a life partner change – that hardworking man you married suddenly seems like a selfish bastard when he puts the hours in at work instead of coming home to you (🤣don’t worry – they’re easy to retrain! 😉) So although you thought you’d figured all this shit out, you’ll re-evaluate everything! You’ll realise that you’re not the friend you thought you was, now your friends circle is contracting down faster than you did in the final stages of labour you’ll realise that maybe you should have made more effort when your other friends had babies – which brings me on nicely to my next point …
- You have to make new friends!!! No matter how social you are, how confident, having a baby for the first time puts you right back at ‘new girl’ territory. It’s a sad fact that you see your friends less – they say if you want to figure out who your real friends are ask for help moving or have a baby 🤷🏻♀️I actually don’t think it’s that simple, it’s not your friends’ fault that you can’t do everything that you did pre-baby. Nevertheless, you might suddenly find yourself in a position of being Billy no mates, and to rectify that (which you need to do – adult conversation is pretty paramount to your sanity!) you’re gonna have to put yourself out there and make new (other mummy!) friends! Good news is most of the other mummies are in the same position as you do it’s not toooooo bad
- However, like your teenage self, you’re likely to be pretty insecure about your body! Oh, what I’d give to go back to my teenage self and tell her to appreciate that body – no matter how fat she thinks she is… she has noooooo idea how much fatter she will get 😂😂😂And it’s not just the appearance. After having a baby my body feels alien to me, 4.5months on I’m still trying to reconnect with it, and it’s a steep learning curve!
- Especially in the bedroom!!! The things I thought I liked feel different now. I would have never, ever in a million years have guessed that having a baby could make me feel like a virgin all over again!
- Hormones. Oh, so many hormones! Remember those teenage moods?? Well, they’re back. And they’re bigger and stronger than ever. Mix that with the lack of sleep and there’s a good chance that you are now one moody bitch 🤷🏻♀️
- There’s also a good chance that your skin has taken a beating – I didn’t have spots as a teenager, but I do now!!!
- Finally – greasy hair. Now, at first I thought this was just for new mums, you know, cos there’s just no time to wash your hair. But oh no, no, no!!! If you spot a mummy with an older baby and are wondering why she might have greasy hair I think I can explain. It’s not that she doesn’t have time – she’s probably figured enough of a routine out by now to manage a shower… she has greasy hair because she’s too fucking terrified to wash it because every time she does massive clumps of it fall out 😭😭😭(not to worry though – your body will grow additional hair to make up for it – just not in the places it should be!)
So yeah… having a baby basically makes you a teenager again. In every way except the perky teenage body. God dammit.