Ok, so sex… That will be what got most of us in to this mess!!! And yet itās still a surprisingly controversial topic of conversation. We MIGHT talk about when the best time to do-the-deed is to conceive (when the smiley face flashes on the ovulation stick… no need to waste those swimmers any other time šš¤·š»āāļø) we might even talk about sex DURING pregnancy, but we donāt really talk about it after the baby is born – other than the awkward conversation with the dr at your 6 week check up where youāre informed itās now medically safe to do it, and do you need any info on contraception. So itās back to business as usual. A private, behind closed doors business!
Except itās not really business as usual is it? For what itās worth, this is what I think about it…
1. In the words of Sweet Brown… Aināt nobody got time for that!!! I mean, seriously!!! Babies take up A LOT of time. And when youāre not feeding them, burping them, playing with them or soothing them to sleep I can bet that youāre running round tidying up after them, maybe showering (if youāre lucky) or possibly feeding yourself (if youāre really lucky). Orrrrr you might be sleeping yourself. And I can tell you now thereās no way Iām giving up my much needed sleep or (not so much needed) food! And sex without showering is just gross!
2. If/When you DO decide to take the plunge (or allow your partner to, so to speak!) it will probably require a bit of planning. For a number of reasons really, if youāre anything like me youāll want to make sure that youāve planned in a some time for a good shower so you can shave, as that may have slipped off your self maintenance routine (Iāve got showering down to a fine no-longer-than-5-minutes art and shaving is NOT a part of that!) Itās not quite the military operation of trying to conceive sex, more like planning a surprise party – itās not a natural turn of events, it requires planning, everyone knows itās going to happen, including the āsurprisedā person, but everyoneās happy to go along with it and act their part
3. Itās a bit like a game of operation – touch the wrong bits and trust me youāll know about it! Breastfeeding??? Remember when your nipples were just for fun? Yeah well now if you try and get them involved in this party theyāre gonna make a mess. I mean milk baths might be your thing, in which case crack on!
4. Itās kinda like losing your virginity all over again. Having a baby has seriously knocked my (already pretty shit) body confidence! So using my body for anything other than caring for the tiny human that destroyed it was genuinely nerve wracking. Ridiculous really given that my hubby literally saw me cut open in the operating theatre… even a big mum tum overhang is an improvement on that, right?
5. Itās also kinda like the Sahara desert… itās a mirage. You THINK thereās fluid on the horizon, but itās just an illusion! š¤·š»āāļø Seriously, it feels like everythingās functioning as normal right up to the point that you realise itās not!!
And if all thatās not enough you also have to prepare yourself for the fact that at some point during the act your little one WILL make some kind of noise. It might be a cry, it might be a giggle, it might be a fart… I canāt tell you what noise it will be but I CAN tell you whatever it is, it WILL be off-putting!!
There are times when I feel a bit guilty that thereās been such a disruption to my husband in the bedroom department… but then I remember that men just have to have 10minutes of fun to make a baby. Us women have to spend 9months growing the baby, stretching our bodies to their limits in every sense. That we bear the marks and scars of it forever. And when I remember all that I donāt feel so guilty anymore. In fact I kinda wanna parade round naked as a method of punishment – like āLOOK WHAT YOU DID TO ME!!ā But then I might need his help in making another one at some point, so best not š¤£š¤£š¤£