Ok, so sex… That will be what got most of us in to this mess!!! And yet it’s still a surprisingly controversial topic of conversation. We MIGHT talk about when the best time to do-the-deed is to conceive (when the smiley face flashes on the ovulation stick… no need to waste those swimmers any other time 😂🤷🏻♀️) we might even talk about sex DURING pregnancy, but we don’t really talk about it after the baby is born – other than the awkward conversation with the dr at your 6 week check up where you’re informed it’s now medically safe to do it, and do you need any info on contraception. So it’s back to business as usual. A private, behind closed doors business!
Except it’s not really business as usual is it? For what it’s worth, this is what I think about it…
1. In the words of Sweet Brown… Ain’t nobody got time for that!!! I mean, seriously!!! Babies take up A LOT of time. And when you’re not feeding them, burping them, playing with them or soothing them to sleep I can bet that you’re running round tidying up after them, maybe showering (if you’re lucky) or possibly feeding yourself (if you’re really lucky). Orrrrr you might be sleeping yourself. And I can tell you now there’s no way I’m giving up my much needed sleep or (not so much needed) food! And sex without showering is just gross!
2. If/When you DO decide to take the plunge (or allow your partner to, so to speak!) it will probably require a bit of planning. For a number of reasons really, if you’re anything like me you’ll want to make sure that you’ve planned in a some time for a good shower so you can shave, as that may have slipped off your self maintenance routine (I’ve got showering down to a fine no-longer-than-5-minutes art and shaving is NOT a part of that!) It’s not quite the military operation of trying to conceive sex, more like planning a surprise party – it’s not a natural turn of events, it requires planning, everyone knows it’s going to happen, including the “surprised” person, but everyone’s happy to go along with it and act their part
3. It’s a bit like a game of operation – touch the wrong bits and trust me you’ll know about it! Breastfeeding??? Remember when your nipples were just for fun? Yeah well now if you try and get them involved in this party they’re gonna make a mess. I mean milk baths might be your thing, in which case crack on!
4. It’s kinda like losing your virginity all over again. Having a baby has seriously knocked my (already pretty shit) body confidence! So using my body for anything other than caring for the tiny human that destroyed it was genuinely nerve wracking. Ridiculous really given that my hubby literally saw me cut open in the operating theatre… even a big mum tum overhang is an improvement on that, right?
5. It’s also kinda like the Sahara desert… it’s a mirage. You THINK there’s fluid on the horizon, but it’s just an illusion! 🤷🏻♀️ Seriously, it feels like everything’s functioning as normal right up to the point that you realise it’s not!!
And if all that’s not enough you also have to prepare yourself for the fact that at some point during the act your little one WILL make some kind of noise. It might be a cry, it might be a giggle, it might be a fart… I can’t tell you what noise it will be but I CAN tell you whatever it is, it WILL be off-putting!!
There are times when I feel a bit guilty that there’s been such a disruption to my husband in the bedroom department… but then I remember that men just have to have 10minutes of fun to make a baby. Us women have to spend 9months growing the baby, stretching our bodies to their limits in every sense. That we bear the marks and scars of it forever. And when I remember all that I don’t feel so guilty anymore. In fact I kinda wanna parade round naked as a method of punishment – like “LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO ME!!” But then I might need his help in making another one at some point, so best not 🤣🤣🤣