A whole year!

I can’t believe it’s been a whole year already since I knew for sure that I was pregnant! We’d been trying since the January and I remember being so excited a few days earlier when I’d seen a hint of a second blue line on a test. I then took about a million first response tests to see a very, very light pink line… I still couldn’t quite believe it so thought I’d buy a digital test before I bankrupted us buying tests 😂

I saw the blue line on the Monday and waited until the Thursday night to tell my hubby. I bought a little baby grow and wrapped the digital test up in it. I presented it as an early Anniversary present (2 years – cotton, so that was lucky!) and watched the disbelief and then pure joy spread across hubby’s face! We both sat there with big goofy grins and happy tears saying “fuck, how do you even look after a baby”

Unfortunately, that time wasn’t meant to be. Literally a few hours after I’d told hubby I started getting cramps, and a few hours later I started bleeding. I went to the drs the next morning who confirmed that I had sadly had an early miscarriage. I was absolutely devastated. The Dr explained that it’s very common and I remember thinking why don’t people know that? I had no idea that the majority of people miscarry at least once! We need to talk about this more! I think it’s so cruel to not talk about it. I didn’t mourn my “baby” as such – I know that so early on there wouldn’t have even been a heartbeat, nothing that anyone would recognise as a baby as such – but I definitely mourned what could have been. All that excitement, everything that our future held, all suddenly completely devastated.

They say everything happens for a reason and I guess sometimes you just have to trust that your body has done what it needs to do for reasons that will never be clear to us. It’s easier for me to look back on this and believe that as we were lucky enough to catch again straight after with Isla! Second time round there were no happy tears (not until I saw her heartbeat on the monitor at 8 weeks anyway – then there were big ugly happy sobs!!!), and those first few weeks were filled with pure fear! We didn’t date even talk about it incase anything happened!! Thankfully, everything went well 2nd time round and we are now so very lucky to have our beautiful little rainbow Isla 🌈

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