Things I wish someone had told me before trying to conceive

Obviously this is just my experience and I’m sure each pregnancy is extremely unique in its own way. But these are the things I wish someone had told me…

1. It’s not as easy as they make out when you’re at school! Like, seriously. Remember when you were terrified that if “just the tip” went anywhere near you you’d end up pregnant 😂😂😂 oh if only it was that easy! There are literally 3-5 days (5 is if you’re lucky!!) a month you can get pregnant! Didn’t teach us that in sex education did they?!

2. There are a million different ways to track if you’re in your fertile window. Yup. You can take your temperature, you can track it on an app (which may or may not be accurate – wasn’t for me!), you can wee on a stick (trust me, this will become a new hobby!), you can monitor your, ahem, “cervical mucus” (because let’s face it, nothing is more of a turn on than letting hubs know that your cervical mucus is like raw egg white today so it’s time to get jiggy. Vom)

3. That brings me nicely on to my next point… trying to get pregnant… not as fun as it sounds. Don’t get me wrong, the first month is, the thought that your bedroom activities may result in a little human being made is fascinating and exciting and will leave you lying there in a state of wonderment after imaging what could be. Don’t get used to that!! It’ll soon turn in to a military operation. Poor hubby may have thought he was in for a treat, all that sex you’re gonna need – not outside my fertile window I don’t Mr! And you need to save those sperm for the right time, can’t be wasting them!

4. You have no idea how much money you’re going to spend on pregnancy tests. TRUST ME. Forget saving for decorating a nursery, those things are more addictive than heroin. I’m not even exaggerating. You will take them at every opportunity you get.

5. Another addiction – your baby board of choice. These women that you’ve never met before? They are your new family. They will be there when you’re panicking, share your joy when something exciting happens. They understand you. You’ll get to know their screen names and follow their stories eagerly. They’ll be there when no else even knows you’re on this journey, when no one else understands the anxiety, or the joy at seeing the tiniest hint of what MIGHT be a line, if you squint, stand on one leg and hold it up to the light. These ladies are amazing. They will be your rock.

6. There is a skill to looking at pregnancy test results. There are whole boards dedicated to looking for that second line on a BFP (big fat positive – you’ll learn the lingo!) Line Eyes. It’s a thing. You won’t just be obsessed with your own tests anymore, but you’ll also be looking at everyone else’s. If you invert the colours on your photos it makes it *slightly* easier to see

7. Blue dye tests cannot be trusted. What’s that you say? Clearblue? Can’t be trusted? Blue dye tests are far more prone to evaporation lines, which can very cruelly look like a BFP and not be! Your new baby board buddies won’t be satisfied until they’ve seen a second pink line on the holy grail of tests – A First Response Early Results (FRER in your new language)

8. When you get your first BFP it will be the most exciting amazing thing ever. However. There’s a good chance you’re going to miscarry. I’m sorry. I know that’s such a shitty thing to say, I do. But it’s true. And you don’t know it until you’re sitting in the doctors and he’s telling you you’re miscarrying, but that you shouldn’t worry because it’s perfectly normal and incredibly common for your first pregnancy. See the problem with technology is that we can now test 6 DAYS BEFORE our period is due to find out if we’re pregnant. So it’s not that miscarriage is more common now, it’s just that we used to wait at least a week until after your period was due to even contemplate that you might be pregnant, so a miscarriage would probably have just been put down to being a few days late. If you have the willpower avoid early testing, it’s seriously not good for your mental health (who we kidding, you’re going to do it anyway!)

9. When you do get your BFP the symptoms are all kinds of crazy. The most glamorous one you’ll get – wind. Lots of it. I can only assume that some kind of Big Bang theory (no pun intended) goes on inside there and all the gas from the explosion is just left inside you. This will lead you to think you’ve got the earliest showing baby bump ever – you haven’t! It’s just that being preggo has a similar effect to eating 7000 Brussel sprouts

10. However, the fact that you are now a walking whoopie cushion will be the least of your worries. Pregnancy is TERRIFYING. Especially if you’ve miscarried before. Prepare yourself for lots of cramping, weird and wonderful pains and twinges, and lots of trips to the loo to check you’re not bleeding. Mother Nature is a bitch. All perfectly normal in a healthy pregnancy, all also symptoms of a miscarriage. Ahhhhh such fun. Hang in there – it’s gets easier (a little, I mean, maybe… after they’re born. Probably not though)

11. If you, like me, had ideas that your body would be a temple during pregnancy. Your little seedling would grow healthy and strong on a diet of spinach, kale and almond milk smoothies… yeah forget that. If you’re lucky enough to escape the nausea then good on you (although you won’t feel good about this, it’s just one more thing to panic about), but for a lot of mummas the struggle is REAL. I couldn’t even LOOK at a vegetable for the first 8 weeks, I’m not even exaggerating. Bagels, crackers, ginger nut biscuits and fizzy sweets are your friends. Embrace them. Plenty of time to be healthy after the nausea has passed!!

12. The man that you love so much that you want to procreate with? Yeah, you’re going to want to murder him. He needs to make his peace with this now. Poor dear has no experience just how close to death he comes multiple times a day.

And THAT is my experience so far! Would love to hear what you wish you’d been told before starting out on your journeys!

Much love to you all – you are all amazing xxx

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